Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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