im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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