I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Randomize
