Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
