Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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