I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
