I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
