8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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