can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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