i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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