i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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