Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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