i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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