Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
