I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
there is glitter all over my balls
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