I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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