I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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