Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
