how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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