You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
