Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
