I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
