so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
