just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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