My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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