Pregnant stripper...not hot.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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