here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize