she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
