White coat. Heels.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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