I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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