Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
