They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
