$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
