I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
