she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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