We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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