if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
