I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize