I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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