Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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