You can't special order awesome
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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