Pants 0. Shit 1.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
