just come out here and I will go home with you...
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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