I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
