I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
