I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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