y did u give ur computer a hand job?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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