Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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