party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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