this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize