You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
