if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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