the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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