When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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