Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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