Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
