just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
