I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
