Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
this boner is exhausting
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
