dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
