I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
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